Worries, worries, worries, worries...

I really don't worry about a lot of things, but my furry children are an exception.  Since the poodles can't tell me when something is bothering them, I have to figure it out.  I'm often right, like when Rondo started limping or when I insisted something was wrong with Caprice even though my beloved vet told me it was the heat.

When Persi was a puppy and I had brough her into the vet, he reminded me that "Most puppies grow up to be adults."  I think of that every time something is wrong with one of my dogs, but I still worry.

Most of the time it's upset stomaches, as evidenced by noisy abdomens or less than perfect stools.  Yesterday it was Canon being unusually quiet.  Today Caprice has scared me.  She wheezed a bit on our walk this morning and seemed a bit off, so we came back early.  I didn't think much of it.  Both dogs ate their breakfast, laced with a lamb dinner patty.  An hour later I opened (or tried to open) Caprice's mouth to give her a prednisone.  Usually this is an easy task.  Today she cried and ran away from me-- wouldn't let me get near her, hiding under a rose bush.  PANIC!!!!  I tried to look in her mouth.  She kept her teeth clamped.

Emergency vet?  First stop the Internet to my poodle groups.  OK, vet.  When I got her collar, she perked up, picked up that tucked tail.  We went on a little walk around the block, tail wagging, tongue hanging out of her mouth, as usual.  When we came back, Canon greeted her, she tucked her tail and wouldn't come in.  She was afraid of me again.  What happened?

I've been fighting my "Get to the doctor" instincts.  She ate a little bit of cheese, drank a tiny bit, and is now resting.  Am I worried?  Hell, yes!

Can a Pessimist Believe?

I think I've always been a glass-half-empty kind of girl.  I call it pragmatism or realism, not having expectations that would not be met.  Would a pessimist believe in an afterlife? Heaven?  Would a pessimist pray?  Would a pessimist believe?

I get mad at myself for my pessimism.  In the Bone Cancer Dogs group, I am wary of people's hopes that their dogs will beat the odds which are so damn against them.  Yet, there was the hope that Rondo would be one of those.  How could I not believe?

My friend is fighting breast cancer right now.  I should believe that the mastectomy (and one to come) and the chemo and the radiation she is currently undergoing will take care of it.  There is a part of me that wonders how long she will be here.  Am I staring a fear?  Lack of belief?

A couple of years ago two teachers were discussing the tragedy of our principal losing her son when he disappeared in the mountains in a blizzard.  They said they couldn't get through this without their religion and belief in God.  It may be God.  It may be hope.  It is Belief.

Do I believe?  I don't know.  But I do hope.

If I had only known...

...my last moments with loved ones were last moments, would they have been different?  Would I share the love and joy of being with them or would I grieve before it was time?

I'm crying now over I dog I never knew, owned by a person I'll never know.  I'm crying for them, and I'm crying for me.  If only those moments were different...If only they weren't the last...

There may be such a thing as karma, or an afterlife, but I don't think time rewinds.  A gift? If we are able to relive the "should have" dones would we be happier?  The endings may be the same.

Michael's Memory Drill

My mind is empty, however, Michael's just may be too full. He just told me about his latest mind experiment.  Whatever time he puts into the microwave, he thinks of the cable channel that corresponds-- 44 seconds- Bravo, 35 seconds- Weather Channel.  He's going to have trouble with baked potatoes!

Two Poodle Night/ Morning

It doesn't happen often, but it did last night and again this morning-- Caprice and Canon both slept with us on the bed.  I wish I could have taken a picture, but since I was in bed with them, that made it kind of hard.  When Canon first came to live with us, he slept in his crate, but it didn't seem long at all before he was making his bid for the bed.  Caprice would be on the bed, but when Canon came near it, she growled at him.  I reprimanded her and invited Canon up.  Eventually, Caprice would get up and on the loveseat.  Canon was wary of Caprice.  If he got off the bed in the middle of the night and Caprice was up, he walked back and forth between Michael and me, sticking his nose under the covers-- in our faces, our butts, whatever he found.  I had to get up, show him a clear path to the bed, and beg him to come up so he wouldn't be bothering us.

Things have changed now.  Canon has charge of the bed.  I haven't seen him growl at Caprice.  She just chooses to be away when he's on the bed, using the floor and loveseat, alternately, as her bed.  Last night, then, I was surprised when she jumped up after the lights were out and made herself comfortable lying next to Michael.  

Caprice will pop up on the bed sometimes in the morning, after she and Canon have been for a quick run outside.  Both pound on the bed and Caprice pushes to lie next to me while I pet them both.  That was the case this morning, too.

It sounds sillly, but one of my greatest joys in life is lying in bed with two poodles!